Cheers to the Developed Me

By this time, it’s exactly 24 hours until my sixteenth birthday. As a part of my own celebration, I declared to myself that I will be writing–or typing, rather–my memories as a fifteen year old girl who was left lost in a world I didn’t know has existed all this time. It took a while to find myself and now, I’m very glad to say that I have changed–for the better, of course.

The start of my fifteenth year of existence was very memorable. I could still see the vivid memory of it back in my mind. I was in love and it was visible by my glow. I would produce the faintest red on my cheeks out of the blue and that is how I’ve always wanted it. This man–this sublime, clever and capricious man was the reason for the “glow”.

A month later, I watched him leave. I have to admit, it was not a very fantastic sight to see.

I lost myself. I’ve learned that I have always depended my own happiness on this man. To see him is happiness. To touch him is happiness. To speak to him is happiness. To hear him sing to my ears, oh God, is beyond all the happiness that I can find in this rueful world. I didn’t think any of it was pathetic, and I’ve always believed or thought that I am not entrusting all my feelings and perception to this man until I woke up one day and found that POOF–he was already gone. He left the town to chase his own dreams in a premier state university located near the heart of the city.

After that, I decided to let him go and gradually move on. But moving on felt like a lifelong process. The more I try to successfully forget about him, the harder it gets. When I feel that I’m slowly learning to put him out of my mind, that is the exact time when my brain tries to reminisce all of the moments I’ve shared with him. Sometimes, I just wanted to bang my head against the wall so that I could just easily forget but doing that will only cause more pain.

The fifteenth year of the second millennium was also the year of escaping my comfort zone, wherein I was held captive for fourteen years. I have made new friends and I tried to stop picking them. I evolved into this woman who finally learned that being judgmental will lead you nowhere, and that has greatly helped me in my life.

Actually, I consider my friends as the “chosen ones”, because to be honest, being my friend is very hard. I choose the matured ones who can keep up with my attitude and vice versa. If I felt like I am not really comfortable around you, I will immediately do anything to distance myself from you–which is known as the worst attitude that I have in my system.

Apart from those, fifteen-year-old Heide also learned to seek a Great Perhaps. I finally tried taking risks and chasing opportunities but most of the time, I fail.

Failure has always been associated with me. I know that I’m not the best but I am certainly not the worst, either.  Just like what it is said from one of my favorite songs by Marina and the Diamonds, “‘Cause I feel like I’m the worst, so I always act like I’m the best”, in order to be the best, you must fake it until you succeed. I’m not saying that one must be pretentious, but rather, I am trying to say that if you want to succeed in the horrible things you do in your life, you must first do your best.

My fifteenth birth year was a year of learning, forgiving and understanding. Last month, I had a difficulty with my friendship to two lovely people. I got caught into a wrongdoing that I have regretted since then. We were somehow able to resolve it afterwards.But I do believe that every cloud has a silver lining. Because of the issue that me and my friends have faced, our bonds with each other and to our families have been stronger.

All in all, I am proud to say that I have developed into a better woman. I have learned to stand up for my own humanity rights and to find the happiness within myself without depending on other people. I have realized that the change always start in ourselves. However, it is always our choice if we will change for the better or for the worse. But before I end this essay, first, I want to imprint some promises for myself here: I will do my best to enhance myself further and change my flaws. I will also live life to the fullest and start doing the things that some adult people think are impossible for teenagers to do. All of these promises will serve as the ending for this essay but the start of a new life.

berlin art
Artwork by: Lamiaa Ameen (taken from berlin-artparasites)
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