continue

via Daily Prompt

Have I ever told you that this blog was once speechlessouls.wordpress.com? no? well, now you know.

this blog was made only just for my unspoken thoughts. for souls who can’t speak. for my demons who never seem to run out of air from screaming in my mind. it was always a constant battle between me and them. and by creating speechlessouls, i was able to let them all out. i was able to shut them up, even just for a little while.

just when i figured that i finally got my shit back together, i renamed this blog. made it even more personal. the blog that was once dark now seemed so pure, so new. it feels clean from all of the demons that i’ve written about in my past. i feel.. clean.

**

it was easier back then to write about the gloomy thoughts that roam around my mind because this blog doesn’t have a face before. it was only just this rudiment, boring page. everything was foggy just like the writer’s head.

but now that it became more personal, it feels so shitty to write about the sappy things that i have running inside my head. i feel like i should be happy all the time. write realizations about life and leave toxic things behind. but it’s hard when they visit all the time. even if i kept the doors locked, swallowed the keys and covered all of the keyholes, they always find their way back in. and i, being the stupid girl that i truly am, find the hardest way out because i’ve already forgotten where i kept the spare keys.

so i’m sorry to anyone who will find this and take time to read this. i’ve just been sad lately. always blaming myself for stupid shit that other people have done. always owning up the mistakes that they will never feel sorry for. always caring, always being too kind, always swallowing her pride. and now, i’m just tired.

so to that one friend who has done me wrong, i’m not sorry if i’m making you feel guilty right now. all i was asking, almost begging, of you was a sincere apology. but you chose to be an asshole as you always are. and well, for me, i chose to drown myself to other people’s problems, keeping in my mind that they are my responsibility now. but you don’t understand. can’t. nothing new, though. what do i expect of someone who can’t even say sorry for a ruthless thing that he has done? nothing

you might be judging me now. or even pitying me, idk. but honestly though, i don’t need a fucking savior. i’ve saved myself before and so it will continue. i will continue since i don’t know how and when all of this will fucking end.

 

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