Winter has passed and the leaves are falling
Grab your sweater, the breeze is cold in the morning
But the wind and the sunrise feels so good in January
Providing us warmth and shelter with you beside me

And yes, you did; you did wear your sweater in January
Because the iceberg is melting in the ocean of Atlantic
It provided you warmth and shelter from the cold morning breeze
And I watch how your heart melts when you try to freeze it

You were sixteen by that time and I’m just turning fifteen
We drove all over the metro back and forth, wandering
And by the afternoon, the heat was too much to bear for us
But through your presence, I found that nothing’s treacherous

But the sun has set and we’ve lost our way home
And the wind has been colder but we’re not alone
You gave me your jacket for a while to tie up your shoes
But I didn’t try to wear it, I gave it back to you

What happened next?
Our knees touched as he sat across from me
I’m trapped in my position, as well as he
—That’s all I can remember for now, I’m sorry.

Now a year has passed and the leaves are still falling
And I didn’t even bother to get my sweater in the morning
I embraced the freezing wind and the sunrise in January
Because it provided happiness when you’ve already left me

And yes, I do; I still do remember that morning of January
Because the iceberg is melting in the ocean of Atlantic
But it’s so much colder now and I feel ironically frantic
Because now I don’t have you sitting beside me

You’re now seventeen and I’m turning sixteen in a month
Funny how the weather was so alike with your feelings toward me
You’re ever-changing, so confusing, cold and enigmatic
But I’ve dealt with your absence although it tasted like acid

Now the sun has risen and I’ve found my way home
The wind has always been colder but I stood strong
And I don’t need anyone’s jacket just to warm myself up
I do miss you but I learned how to woman up

What happens next?
Maybe we will meet someday, I don’t know
On the day of my birthday, I’ll try to let go
The future will be bright for us—this, I know.



For me, planning is an essential part of my life. Despite of my impulsiveness, I always see to it that I am able to formulate efficient plans so I could achieve my goals. For every plan A, there is a plan A.1, plan A.2 until I lose all of my major options and I have to stick to plan B. Nevertheless, I give all my best just so I could avoid resorting on my plan B’s.

Last year, I decided to take five college entrance exams. My initial plan was to take seven. I wanted to take ACET or the Ateneo College Entrance Test but due to my laziness to process more papers (and because of financial issues), I decided to call it off. Plus, the exam’s schedule was on August 2017. And from that time, I know that I am still unprepared to take any college entrance exams. The second exam that I planned to take but also refused to do so anymore was the Benildean Entrance Examination. I ran out of money to pay for the entrance exam. My mother refused to give me money for it since I’ve already paid for four college entrance tests (I came from a state university so my application for DLSUCET was free). In the end, I was able to take these tests respectively: USTET (for the University of Santo Tomas), DLSUCET (for De La Salle University), UPCAT (for the University of the Philippines), PLMAT (for Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila) and PUPCET (for the Polytechnic University of the Philippines).

My USTET Experience

The day before my USTET, I was relaxed. I happily accompanied my two friends from Cavite to PUP, one will take her entrance exam on that day while my other friend came with us so she will be already familiar with the place on the day of her own exam. Despite of processing my application form in PUP for the first batch, they decided to transfer me to the second batch because of the large amount of the students who applied for the first batch. From what I have formerly seen on the website of UST, my USTET was supposed to be conducted on October 22 but because of the NMAT, they have decided to move it on October 14.

I freaked out.

Had I known beforehand, I would’ve stayed in our house and studied instead. I was only able to check their website again when my friend and I were finally relaxing in my dorm near PUP, waiting for our friend to finish her exams. Thank God I decided to check their website. If I didn’t, my mother’s 600 pesos would have gone to waste. Apart from panicking because I haven’t seriously studied yet, my DLSUCET was also scheduled on the same day of my USTET. From that moment, I was already thinking to myself, “FUCK”.

Thankfully, by the work of whomever is in charge with assigning the time to the examinees (and, I believe, by God’s grace) my USTET was scheduled on 8 am while my DLSUCET was scheduled on 1 pm. However, that poses another problem. Can I make it? How the fuck am I going to pass both of the exams (or even one of them) if I haven’t even started seriously studying yet? Will the amount of my brain cells suffice for that day?

Once I got home, I hurried to my bookshelf to take all of my reviewers and went straight to my bedroom. I did not study. I studied seriously for sure. Because I have a hard time remembering some of our lessons in Chemistry, I decided to teach myself once again through watching educational YouTube videos. AND who would’ve thought that all of the things that I have learned from those YouTube videos would actually appear on the test itself? After delving into Chemistry, I decided to focus on Biology since I had an instinct that most of the questions would be taken from that subject. When the clock hit 1 am, I decided to take a rest. I did not forget to pray to God for guidance and for the knowledge I  have obtained to never leave my brain.

On the day of my exams, I woke up at 4:30 am to prepare for a very mind-challenging day. My mom and I had to leave our house at 5 am to avoid the morning traffic in Cavite. We were able to arrive at UST an hour earlier than the assigned time.

While I was taking the exam, I have realized that my instinct was right. So while I was intently reading the questions, I silently thank God for YouTube and for the gift of a stable internet connection. The Mental Ability part was easy. I had to efficiently manage my time though so I could finish all of the 80 questions within the short given time. In spite of managing my time, I was only able to answer 70 questions. I had to randomly guess the questions that I have skipped without taking another glance at them again. Surprisingly, I did not have a hard time answering the Math part of the exam. The Science part was also not that bad. The English part was the most fun for me to answer because it is my favorite subject. I also loved the questions regarding fallacies. The sad part though was I had to guess some of those questions because at that time, ad hominem was the only fallacy that I know.

Once I’m done, I looked for my mother who’s waiting outside the Alberto Magnus Building so we could go ahead immediately and eat some lunch. We ate in Chowking and after that, I booked for a Grab car to lessen our travel time going to DLSU, considering that Manila has a bad traffic at any time of the day.

My DLSUCET/DCAT Experience

I was only able to learn all of the topics in basic statistics in Senior High School. (Thank you, Ma’am Bang-as). Because of this, I grabbed the opportunity to study in the car on our way to DLSU. Due to the lack of proper sleep, I chose to take a nap and rest my brain for a bit. My nap didn’t last long though because we already reached the Br. Andrew Gonzalez Hall. Even if we have arrived earlier than the scheduled time, students were already queuing inside the lobby. So I went inside the building and hoped for the best. For a second, I felt small among the crowd of students because it is apparent that they came from a well-off family. I brushed all of my negative thoughts aside and focused on my agenda: take the exam successfully.

I can’t help but feel mesmerized with the interior design of the building, as well as the classrooms. Once I was seated in my chair, I looked around and thought, “This is the environment I want to be in. I want to study here”. Because of that, I knew I had to focus intently so I could pass the exams.

The first part was bearable. Although I admit, I had a really hard time answering some of the questions. It was not the kind of test that I expected and prepared for. After that exhausting part was the first Statistics test. At that point, I already feel like I am sweating even though the air-condition was set in a cool temperature. I was only able to answer a few questions without a feeling of doubt and uncertainty.

The most gruelling part after that was another Statistics test. At that point, I was internally crying, thinking to myself, “Why did I even bother taking this test?” or “Thank God, I didn’t pay any amount to take this exam. It would not seem regretful for my mom and I if ever I failed this exam”. However, I still tried my hardest to be able to form an educated guess even if I had no clue with what I was doing. The last two parts were refreshing. The very last part was the most fun.

At the end of that day, my lips were already pale and I am already famished. We went home right after that challenging day and prayed to God that I pass at least one exam from the both of them.

My UPCAT Experience

I had to skip school classes for that day. Thankfully, I was scheduled on the afternoon shift. In spite of this, my mom and I had to leave our house earlier because we are not familiar with my testing room. I was assigned on the Institute of Mathematics in UP Diliman. I had no clue with its location. Fortunately, some of the students inside the jeepney that we are riding with are also headed to the same place.

We waited outside the building because most of the morning shift examinees are still not yet finished. I also waited for my classmate because we had the same schedule. However, we got separated by our testing rooms.

Because I have already tried answering the reviewer provided by UP itself, I already knew what I was expecting. I also enrolled in a review center before studying in 10th grade so I already knew what it might feel like once it is my turn to take the actual UPCAT itself.

Of course, UPCAT was difficult for an average student like me. The Math part was gruelling. Science was not that bad compared to Math, for me. Reading comprehension was the best. I liked the selections.

Once I was done with the exam, I looked for my mother once again and we walked to UP Town Center so we could finally eat our dinner.

From my experience, I could say that DLSUCET was more difficult than UPCAT.

My PLMAT Experience

The night before my PLMAT, my friends and I went straight from school to our friend’s house in Cavite, which is a 30 minute ride from our house. We had to cut our last class just so we could attend her birthday party.

On that night, we animated their neighborhood by loudly singing videoke songs. We were actually quite nervous that some of their neighbors might ban us from entering their subdivision once again. Thankfully though, nobody complained.

I let my friends spend the night in our house so I could have some company going back to our house. It is already late when the party ended and I cannot stay in our friend’s house because I have to leave at 9 am to take my exam.

I was already worried because I was not able to study anything for that exam. My friends know about this so they just told me, “Just use your stock knowledge”. Considering that PLMAT is one of the competitive tests that I know, I am actually scared of only using my stock knowledge.

My friends from Cavite and I applied on the same day for the exam so we had the same schedule and room. We decided to go together as I bring along my friends from PUP so I could guide them from going back to their homes.

My PLMAT experience was very pleasant. My friends and I shared stories while we wait for our turn to take the exams since the morning batch is still not yet finished. Because we spent our time just telling stories and (not seriously) reviewing, it was too late when we realized that we are in the wrong line. Thank God the other applicants are kind, they told us where to go to catch up on our roommates.

Fortunately, half of the applicants assigned in our room are still queuing outside our testing room. We made it just in time before the proctor called my friend’s name.

The test itself was not that difficult compared to UPCAT. However, its contents are similar with it. I can say that PLMAT is like a short version of UPCAT.

Once my friends and I were done, we headed to Divisoria because they had to buy a swim suit for their PE class.

My PUPCET Experience

The day of my PUPCET was the same day of my friend’s 18th birthday celebration or debut. Because of this, I had to bring a lot of clothes since we will be staying in their house after the celebration. I also had to bring my guitar to play for her birthday. From our house, I had to carry a tote bag full of clothes, a drawstring bag that I got from DLSU after taking their exam and my guitar case with Fernando, my guitar, resting in it.

Once again, my friends from Cavite decided that we go together to PUP. I asked for their help to carry my things and we went on like that. To avoid the morning traffic, we had to leave at exactly 5 am in Cavite since we are scheduled to take the exam at 8 am.

Once we departed from the LRT station in Pureza, I hurried to my dorm to drop off all of my things. Then, I walked briskly to get back to Jollibee Pureza where my friends and I ate our breakfast. I had to eat quickly to arrive in our testing room before our assigned time.

After dragging my friend to half-jog and half-walk all the way to PUP Main, a man is already announcing that we are late for our exams. So we hurried off until we get to our testing room. When I arrived in our room, all of the seats, except for 3 were already taken. Meaning to say that I am, indeed, already late.

Thankfully, the test hasn’t started yet. The bells have not yet rung to signal its beginning. I rested for a bit to calm  my heart down.

I enjoyed taking the test. It was the easiest of all the CET’s that I took. I thank God for Mrs. Cerro’s efficient teaching because most of the things that she has taught us from Grade 10 was included in the test. Plus, I love Greek mythology!!!!

After taking the exam, my friends and I looked for each other in the field. Just like me, they did not seem to have a hard time answering the exam. I also did our proposed research topics because the deadline is at that same day. Then, I went to my dorm to wait for my PUP friends to finish the exam. When they were done, we headed on our way to Rodriguez, Rizal to celebrate our friend’s 18th birthday.

General Experience

It was challenging. Applying for a university and processing my requirements were not easy. I had to fall in line for hours just to get what I need. Patience and perseverance got me through. But that’s just not it. Diligence is the thing that I have clung into. I know what I want and I’ll do anything to get it. To obtain my goals, I need to work hard for it.

If you happened to find this post somewhere and you are an aspiring student from the universities that I mentioned above, I could say that you do not need to enroll yourself in a review center before taking the exams to be fully prepared.

Instead, you must be disciplined if you want to self-study. During your summer break, start reading and catching up on your junior high school topics. Refresh your mind with knowledge and information. Test yourself and find out where you’re not excellent at. Do you have a hard time answering Math questions? Find for Math reviewers, answer simulated tests and never be intimidated by numbers. Some questions might seem confusing but they will always have a definite answer. And lastly, trust yourself but always remember that there will always be people who are way better than you. You must keep in mind that this is not a competition and they are not your opponents. Your greatest enemy is yourself. Always strive to be better than what and who you are right now.

If anyone can do it, so can you.


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my life’s slowly making sense now

today has been amazing and i believe that this is something worth sharing in this blog.

so, i only got 3 mistakes out of 60 items in my midterm exam. i can’t help but laugh when my teacher showed me my test paper. i fucked up a part of that test and i was so certain that i might commit more than 3 mistakes. but yeah, she ended up announcing my score to our class to “inspire” my classmates. it’s not a big deal but i admit that it truly made my day.

fast forward to when i just got home from school. we were dismissed early today so while i was resting, i spent most of my time waiting for my USTET results.

even though i found the exam quite bearable than the ones i’ve taken afterwards, i still can’t help but feel anxious about the results. what if i fail? what if i was too blind to see the hardship that it really takes to pass that exam?

and so, just as the clock in my sister’s laptop struck 12, i immediately refreshed the tab that has been open in her desktop for two hours. i vowed to myself that i will let my younger sister type in my reference number and surname to know my results since i cannot do it myself. i am too nervous and too excited at the same time. i am all over the place. literally. i was already lying on the floor, preparing myself for the results, telling my sister that it’s alright if i didn’t pass and she could always tell me the truth.

unfortunately, the results didn’t show. her desktop sucks.

what she did afterwards sent me into a tangled chaos of emotions again. she grabbed her phone and tried logging in my account at the website. before announcing my results, she even thought of making a drum roll in our house. she grabbed the drumsticks from our drum set and started making a discreet sound of drum rolling in our house, all of these happening while our neighbors remained undistracted from their slumber.

afterwards, she began reading what was presented on her phone. she was mentioning something about communication arts, which is my first choice, and i was too frantic, i am dying to know. so i went straight ahead to the question that has been keeping my heart beat so loudly in its cage, “PASADO BA?” (“Am I qualified?”). her answer, as if it was a trampoline, brought my feet bouncing up and down on the floor. i passed my exams. however, i still need to report for another requirement. i need to pass my interview.

even though i was hesitant to do so, i rushed into my parents’ room, where my mother was already sleeping, only to find my mom was already sitting on her bed, quite mad that i was so noisy especially when our neighbors had already gone to sleep. but i can’t help it. i really can’t. so i told her that i passed. and i cried.

when i knew about my dcat results, i told myself that i will not celebrate until the ustet results are out. i want to celebrate the results of the exams that i took both on the same day– October 15, 2017. i took my ustet exams during the morning and my dcat exams at the afternoon.

and now, i am so proud of myself because i passed both of them. i don’t want to brag about it but i also promised myself that now, i will let myself celebrate. i will not let anyone invalid this simple joy that i acquired because i worked hard for it. i will celebrate and allow myself to feel proud of myself for once (even though i still have 3 more exams to ace).

now, i have to wait for upcat, pupcet and plmat results.

-God, my God, you have been with me all throughout my life, and I, who have received nothing but great blessings from You, am still learning how to thank You for everything. thank You’s are not enough. i wish i could repay You for all of the things that You have done for me, my family and friends. 

my heart will be full of nothing but undying love for Your holiness and, with that, i will always adore You. 

January (2 years after)

The last time I woke up early, the sun was hiding. Instead, there were gray clouds hovering above when I look out from my windowpane. It wasn’t the same anymore– except for the breeze. It was the same gentle blow of breeze that always kept me nostalgic during January. This time, I embraced it in my bed from my dorm. I kept my reclined position against my soft mattress. Turned my fan off and held my blanket closer to my body, covering my torso down to the bare softness of my feet. Two years ago, I would head out as early as 6 am to get ready for another tiring day at school.

This time, I have realized, it is different.

The memories haunted me again when I found an old journal of mine. It was a gift from a best friend who lives in the Netherlands. After avoiding it for 3 years, I have finally read the musings again– some of them I wrote when the memories were still fresh at the back of my mind, some are notes that I’ve taken during seminars and forums that I was chosen to attend to.

While I was flipping through the pages of poetry and prose that my 14-year-old self had written in that journal, I came across a poem that was too late to be finished now. It reminded me of my copy of “Wreck This Journal” by Keri Smith. When I brought it at school to show it to my friends, I received nothing but scolding. They’ve always asked me why I spent a lot of money for something that was only sold to be destroyed (at least, in a creative way). I would defend myself saying, “It was worth it”. So what I did after reading the unfinished poem was rush to my mini bookshelf and find my copy of “Wreck This Journal” on the stack of books that I perfectly organized according to their sizes.

And my, oh my. What a joy it was to read all the silly, meaningless stuff my friends and I wrote in its pages.

There was this one page that I have given up for them to doodle on. The instruction was clear, I have to hang the page on a public place and let the people doodle in it. Being a meticulous book hoarder with severe trust issues, I have allowed only my grade 9 classmates to do it. Excited to have finally been allowed to join in the fun (and destoy a priceless property of mine) , they grabbed the journal and wrote (and drawn) all the things that they can think of during that time.

If I have decided to see their doodles again two years ago, I was certain that I would feel sad. But now, what I only heard was laughter. And to my surprise, it was coming from me.

In that page, a name of a particular person was written for so many times. The initials were written in the center, with a large font size, by my bestfriend. It is a common name. So generic that back then, I wished I could never see it again in souvenir stores. I was thinking to myself, “God, I was so naive back then”.

I flipped through the other pages and saw my favorite doodles. I admired how I was able to manifest my creativity by gently destroying that book. However, I was upset, too. There were so many questions running in my mind. All of these emotions I felt simultaneously when I was trying to remember, “What was in my mind back then?”, “What was I like back then?”, “Would 14-year-old me like me if she could meet me one day?”, and most importantly, “Did I change?”, “Was I able to find my old self?”.

For once, I brushed all of them off. It was sad to think that I have already forgotten what it was in my mind back then. Or what was I like back then. Honestly, I couldn’t remember anything. It feels like I have really convinced myself to forget everything that made me feel something warm, and sappy, when I was in junior high school. I guess that what happens when you get terribly hurt in loving someone– in loving yourself. You make yourself forget that thing, or person, that has hurt you. You tell yourself never to go back again. You tell yourself to heal and never do the same mistakes again. And once you’re done with all of it, you are left with a new version of you. Unfortunately, this new version of you can’t recall anything in the past but the hurt that you have been through. And that’s alright.

That’s alright.

But please, if you’re going to hurt, do not convince yourself to forget again. Learn to accept the way things are. And I tell you, it would be easier to redeem yourself once you have found yourself lost again.


Well, I should be packing right now. But since I don’t want to leave,– just yet– I’ve decided to write a blog post instead.

Leaving is not a new word to me anymore. Staying, packing, leaving. I guess there is nothing new under the sun.

It has been a year and a half since I decided to stay in Manila to study. My parents were hesitant at first, but it’s hard for someone to change a stubborn person’s decision once he/she has made up his/her mind. You see, I am a very indecisive person. I can’t even stick to one opinion in the middle of a heated argument. However, I found out that whenever somebody tries to stop me from doing the things that I want to do, my will to move suddenly boosts up until they have no choice but to allow me. And look where my decisions took me. I’ve formed another family of friends who understand me in spite of my shortcomings and breakdowns. I am now more responsible than I was before. But most of all, I’ve learned to handle things on my own (with some help from my friends, of course haha).

Goshhh, time flies so fast. One more term and I’ll be moving on to another chapter of my story. More like studies, haha. And I don’t wanna leave just yet. It feels so ironic to pack up things that belong to me when in fact, I don’t even know where I truly belong.

I guess I just have to blame myself for feeling a pang of longing to places that I haven’t visited yet. I also have my constant itch to leave the places that exhaust the soul out of me.


It’s so difficult to figure out the things that are going on in my mind when I, myself, do not even know what I want.


How about you? Do you know where you truly belong? 


via Daily Prompt

Have I ever told you that this blog was once speechlessouls.wordpress.com? no? well, now you know.

this blog was made only just for my unspoken thoughts. for souls who can’t speak. for my demons who never seem to run out of air from screaming in my mind. it was always a constant battle between me and them. and by creating speechlessouls, i was able to let them all out. i was able to shut them up, even just for a little while.

just when i figured that i finally got my shit back together, i renamed this blog. made it even more personal. the blog that was once dark now seemed so pure, so new. it feels clean from all of the demons that i’ve written about in my past. i feel.. clean.


it was easier back then to write about the gloomy thoughts that roam around my mind because this blog doesn’t have a face before. it was only just this rudiment, boring page. everything was foggy just like the writer’s head.

but now that it became more personal, it feels so shitty to write about the sappy things that i have running inside my head. i feel like i should be happy all the time. write realizations about life and leave toxic things behind. but it’s hard when they visit all the time. even if i kept the doors locked, swallowed the keys and covered all of the keyholes, they always find their way back in. and i, being the stupid girl that i truly am, find the hardest way out because i’ve already forgotten where i kept the spare keys.

so i’m sorry to anyone who will find this and take time to read this. i’ve just been sad lately. always blaming myself for stupid shit that other people have done. always owning up the mistakes that they will never feel sorry for. always caring, always being too kind, always swallowing her pride. and now, i’m just tired.

so to that one friend who has done me wrong, i’m not sorry if i’m making you feel guilty right now. all i was asking, almost begging, of you was a sincere apology. but you chose to be an asshole as you always are. and well, for me, i chose to drown myself to other people’s problems, keeping in my mind that they are my responsibility now. but you don’t understand. can’t. nothing new, though. what do i expect of someone who can’t even say sorry for a ruthless thing that he has done? nothing

you might be judging me now. or even pitying me, idk. but honestly though, i don’t need a fucking savior. i’ve saved myself before and so it will continue. i will continue since i don’t know how and when all of this will fucking end.