January

Winter has passed and the leaves are falling
Grab your sweater, the breeze is cold in the morning
But the wind and the sunrise feels so good in January
Providing us warmth and shelter with you beside me

And yes, you did; you did wear your sweater in January
Because the iceberg is melting in the ocean of Atlantic
It provided you warmth and shelter from the cold morning breeze
And I watch how your heart melts when you try to freeze it

You were sixteen by that time and I’m just turning fifteen
We drove all over the metro back and forth, wandering
And by the afternoon, the heat was too much to bear for us
But through your presence, I found that nothing’s treacherous

But the sun has set and we’ve lost our way home
And the wind has been colder but we’re not alone
You gave me your jacket for a while to tie up your shoes
But I didn’t try to wear it, I gave it back to you

What happened next?
Our knees touched as he sat across from me
I’m trapped in my position, as well as he
—That’s all I can remember for now, I’m sorry.

Now a year has passed and the leaves are still falling
And I didn’t even bother to get my sweater in the morning
I embraced the freezing wind and the sunrise in January
Because it provided happiness when you’ve already left me

And yes, I do; I still do remember that morning of January
Because the iceberg is melting in the ocean of Atlantic
But it’s so much colder now and I feel ironically frantic
Because now I don’t have you sitting beside me

You’re now seventeen and I’m turning sixteen in a month
Funny how the weather was so alike with your feelings toward me
You’re ever-changing, so confusing, cold and enigmatic
But I’ve dealt with your absence although it tasted like acid

Now the sun has risen and I’ve found my way home
The wind has always been colder but I stood strong
And I don’t need anyone’s jacket just to warm myself up
I do miss you but I learned how to woman up

What happens next?
Maybe we will meet someday, I don’t know
On the day of my birthday, I’ll try to let go
The future will be bright for us—this, I know.

Advertisements

Leaving

Well, I should be packing right now. But since I don’t want to leave,– just yet– I’ve decided to write a blog post instead.

Leaving is not a new word to me anymore. Staying, packing, leaving. I guess there is nothing new under the sun.

It has been a year and a half since I decided to stay in Manila to study. My parents were hesitant at first, but it’s hard for someone to change a stubborn person’s decision once he/she has made up his/her mind. You see, I am a very indecisive person. I can’t even stick to one opinion in the middle of a heated argument. However, I found out that whenever somebody tries to stop me from doing the things that I want to do, my will to move suddenly boosts up until they have no choice but to allow me. And look where my decisions took me. I’ve formed another family of friends who understand me in spite of my shortcomings and breakdowns. I am now more responsible than I was before. But most of all, I’ve learned to handle things on my own (with some help from my friends, of course haha).

Goshhh, time flies so fast. One more term and I’ll be moving on to another chapter of my story. More like studies, haha. And I don’t wanna leave just yet. It feels so ironic to pack up things that belong to me when in fact, I don’t even know where I truly belong.

I guess I just have to blame myself for feeling a pang of longing to places that I haven’t visited yet. I also have my constant itch to leave the places that exhaust the soul out of me.

Sigh.

It’s so difficult to figure out the things that are going on in my mind when I, myself, do not even know what I want.

 

How about you? Do you know where you truly belong? 

continue

via Daily Prompt

Have I ever told you that this blog was once speechlessouls.wordpress.com? no? well, now you know.

this blog was made only just for my unspoken thoughts. for souls who can’t speak. for my demons who never seem to run out of air from screaming in my mind. it was always a constant battle between me and them. and by creating speechlessouls, i was able to let them all out. i was able to shut them up, even just for a little while.

just when i figured that i finally got my shit back together, i renamed this blog. made it even more personal. the blog that was once dark now seemed so pure, so new. it feels clean from all of the demons that i’ve written about in my past. i feel.. clean.

**

it was easier back then to write about the gloomy thoughts that roam around my mind because this blog doesn’t have a face before. it was only just this rudiment, boring page. everything was foggy just like the writer’s head.

but now that it became more personal, it feels so shitty to write about the sappy things that i have running inside my head. i feel like i should be happy all the time. write realizations about life and leave toxic things behind. but it’s hard when they visit all the time. even if i kept the doors locked, swallowed the keys and covered all of the keyholes, they always find their way back in. and i, being the stupid girl that i truly am, find the hardest way out because i’ve already forgotten where i kept the spare keys.

so i’m sorry to anyone who will find this and take time to read this. i’ve just been sad lately. always blaming myself for stupid shit that other people have done. always owning up the mistakes that they will never feel sorry for. always caring, always being too kind, always swallowing her pride. and now, i’m just tired.

so to that one friend who has done me wrong, i’m not sorry if i’m making you feel guilty right now. all i was asking, almost begging, of you was a sincere apology. but you chose to be an asshole as you always are. and well, for me, i chose to drown myself to other people’s problems, keeping in my mind that they are my responsibility now. but you don’t understand. can’t. nothing new, though. what do i expect of someone who can’t even say sorry for a ruthless thing that he has done? nothing

you might be judging me now. or even pitying me, idk. but honestly though, i don’t need a fucking savior. i’ve saved myself before and so it will continue. i will continue since i don’t know how and when all of this will fucking end.

 

Sa Gilid

sa gilid

 Hindi ito ang kinagisnan ko.

Minsan ko ring naramdaman
ang paghalik ng malambot na kumot sa aking binti,
ang pagyakap sa akin ng kulambo tuwing gabi,
ang mga unang sa ulo ko’y bumabati—
isang kamang naghihintay sa’king umuwi.

Ngayon, ito ang buhay ko.
Sa isang gilid, ako’y nananahimik.
Maghapong nakaupo’t nakatitig sa kawalan.
Sa gabi’y natutulog, upang gutom ay malimutan.

Sa isang tahanang payak,
pinanonood ko ang pagpadyak
ng mga paang tila ugat sa pedal,
lulan ang isang pasaherong nakaupong napapagal—
mga kalalakihang hindi iniinda ang bigat ninuman,
mahatid lang sila sa kanilang paroroonan.

Sa isang tahanang munti,
dito ako namamalagi.
Ang papag ko’y gawa sa aspalto,
ang unan ko’y kasing-tigas ng bato,
ang kobre kama ko’y lumang karton,
ang kurtina’y nakabiting kartelon.
Hindi ko na rin kailangan ng kumot,
ang usok ng mga sasakyang humaharurot
ay sapat nang init sa karapatang pinagdamot.

Sa isang tahanang walang pinto,
malugod kitang sasalubungin dito.
Ipagpaumanhin mo kung ito lamang
ang aking naihanda’t ihahandog,
mga boteng ireresiklo
at mga kartong patapon.
Ito na lang kasi ang kabuhayan ko,
mga ginamit na bagay na mas mahalaga pa sa ginto.

Ngunit paano mo ako makikita?
Kung ang baling ng iyong mga mata’y nasa kalayuan.
Narito ako sa gilid, nagtatago
habang ikaw ay naglalakad patungo sa malayo.

Sapagkat ang gitna ang una mong mapapansin,
hindi ang kaliwang bahaging kinakain ng dilim.
Nandito ang katotohanang iyong nililihim,
kunwari’y ‘di batid, tinuturing lang akong hangin.

At sino ka upang husgahan ako?
Hindi mo naranasan ang kinagisnan ko.

Pagbitiw

Sa paggising ng aking diwa,

Pupunasan ang mga luha,

Lulunukin ang hikbing hindi mailuwa

At lalanguyin ang bawat baha.

 

Lilinisin ko ang bawat dumi

Na iniwan mo nang ako’y nanatili.

Itatabi ang mga damit

Na aking sinuot noong

Ikaw pa ay kapiling.

 

Ibabalik ko rin sa Diyos

Ang lahat ng ninakaw na bituin

Noong tayo’y naglakad

Sa ilalim ng kadilimang nanlalamig.

 

At kahit na kalimutan  mo man

Ang buhok o pangalan ko,

Tatandaan ko pa rin ang boses

Na binulong mo sa tenga ko.

 

Saka ko itatapon

Ang mga basurang iniwan mo

Na inakala ko’y ala-ala

At tinratong parang ginto.

 

Ngunit kakantahin ko pa rin

Ang mga kantang saulado mo,

Bibigkasin ang pangalang

Pilit na kinalimutan mo.

 

At saka ko ipagyayabang

Sa karagatan,

At buong lupalop ng mundo

Na ako’y minsang nagmahal

Ngunit hindi pala husto.

Empress

While the sun rises as he wakes

And burns in the middle of the day,

That’s when she leaves the bed she’ll make

To occupy the room where he’s just stayed.

 

Across the room, she hears the sound

Of a heart once dead; now, beats so loud–

It echoes and resonates around,

Shakes the walls as she tries to calm it down.

 

And it dismantled the whole building–

For the first time, she didn’t try to fix it

She stood strong alone in the ruins

And summoned the hope they’ve shamelessly killed.

 

“What will become of us?”, they asked.

-You’ll be buried deep beneath my past.

“We wish you nothing but sadness.”

-I’ll wish you nothing but forgiveness.

 

She then built a kingdom of her own,

A fortified place for her resting bones.

One night, as she tried to call it her home,

She bolted awake, said “I can’t live alone.”

 

So she decided to search far and wide,

Hoping someone would make her feel alive.

Of all the rules that her people abide,

She broke one off and swallowed her pride.

 

In the city where she used to pray,

She found a boy who is unafraid.

That’s when she left the kingdom she’d made

To occupy the heart where she will stay.

 

“What have become of us?”, they’d ask.

-You were long ago buried deep beneath my past.

“We still wish you nothing but sadness.”

-I’m done asking for your forgiveness.


 

*dedicated to patricia

for keeping me sane all the time

this post is absolutely meaningless

via Daily Prompt: Meaningless

i honestly don’t have any plans on writing a blog post today or whatever but i saw the daily prompt and I suddenly thought, aye! that’s what i’m literally feeling right now

i don’t know what’s happening to me today that i am actually feeling like i’m catching feelings off guard which obviously sucks btw

 

meaningless

ironic because this word has a meaning

unfortunately though, i dont

 

i dont want to begin this prompt or blog post talking about him again, man

but

i have to

 

everybody knows the feeling of being broken, lost and hollow inside.

it feels like you’re yearning for something that you don’t even know.

it doesn’t hurt,

and nothing even needs to heal

but somehow, you just really want to recover.

 

lately, i’ve been sleeping a lot and eating all day.

nothing seems to motivate me anymore.

and you’re literally nowhere to be found

while i’m out here

living what they call life on my own.

 

goddamn i just miss u so much

and i know your feelings will never reciprocate

but somehow i’m hoping that they’ll do.