January

Winter has passed and the leaves are falling
Grab your sweater, the breeze is cold in the morning
But the wind and the sunrise feels so good in January
Providing us warmth and shelter with you beside me

And yes, you did; you did wear your sweater in January
Because the iceberg is melting in the ocean of Atlantic
It provided you warmth and shelter from the cold morning breeze
And I watch how your heart melts when you try to freeze it

You were sixteen by that time and I’m just turning fifteen
We drove all over the metro back and forth, wandering
And by the afternoon, the heat was too much to bear for us
But through your presence, I found that nothing’s treacherous

But the sun has set and we’ve lost our way home
And the wind has been colder but we’re not alone
You gave me your jacket for a while to tie up your shoes
But I didn’t try to wear it, I gave it back to you

What happened next?
Our knees touched as he sat across from me
I’m trapped in my position, as well as he
—That’s all I can remember for now, I’m sorry.

Now a year has passed and the leaves are still falling
And I didn’t even bother to get my sweater in the morning
I embraced the freezing wind and the sunrise in January
Because it provided happiness when you’ve already left me

And yes, I do; I still do remember that morning of January
Because the iceberg is melting in the ocean of Atlantic
But it’s so much colder now and I feel ironically frantic
Because now I don’t have you sitting beside me

You’re now seventeen and I’m turning sixteen in a month
Funny how the weather was so alike with your feelings toward me
You’re ever-changing, so confusing, cold and enigmatic
But I’ve dealt with your absence although it tasted like acid

Now the sun has risen and I’ve found my way home
The wind has always been colder but I stood strong
And I don’t need anyone’s jacket just to warm myself up
I do miss you but I learned how to woman up

What happens next?
Maybe we will meet someday, I don’t know
On the day of my birthday, I’ll try to let go
The future will be bright for us—this, I know.

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continue

via Daily Prompt

Have I ever told you that this blog was once speechlessouls.wordpress.com? no? well, now you know.

this blog was made only just for my unspoken thoughts. for souls who can’t speak. for my demons who never seem to run out of air from screaming in my mind. it was always a constant battle between me and them. and by creating speechlessouls, i was able to let them all out. i was able to shut them up, even just for a little while.

just when i figured that i finally got my shit back together, i renamed this blog. made it even more personal. the blog that was once dark now seemed so pure, so new. it feels clean from all of the demons that i’ve written about in my past. i feel.. clean.

**

it was easier back then to write about the gloomy thoughts that roam around my mind because this blog doesn’t have a face before. it was only just this rudiment, boring page. everything was foggy just like the writer’s head.

but now that it became more personal, it feels so shitty to write about the sappy things that i have running inside my head. i feel like i should be happy all the time. write realizations about life and leave toxic things behind. but it’s hard when they visit all the time. even if i kept the doors locked, swallowed the keys and covered all of the keyholes, they always find their way back in. and i, being the stupid girl that i truly am, find the hardest way out because i’ve already forgotten where i kept the spare keys.

so i’m sorry to anyone who will find this and take time to read this. i’ve just been sad lately. always blaming myself for stupid shit that other people have done. always owning up the mistakes that they will never feel sorry for. always caring, always being too kind, always swallowing her pride. and now, i’m just tired.

so to that one friend who has done me wrong, i’m not sorry if i’m making you feel guilty right now. all i was asking, almost begging, of you was a sincere apology. but you chose to be an asshole as you always are. and well, for me, i chose to drown myself to other people’s problems, keeping in my mind that they are my responsibility now. but you don’t understand. can’t. nothing new, though. what do i expect of someone who can’t even say sorry for a ruthless thing that he has done? nothing

you might be judging me now. or even pitying me, idk. but honestly though, i don’t need a fucking savior. i’ve saved myself before and so it will continue. i will continue since i don’t know how and when all of this will fucking end.